Am I supportive or am I a codependent?

First of all let me say that I am not a psychologist nor am I versed in psychotherapy so take my discussion with a grain of salt. However, I have seen many instances of codependency, including some within my own life, that have hindered individual expression and spiritual growth. I am extremely interested in my spiritual growth and, through implication others, so hopefully this blog entry will create some thought. Note that the blog entry on Sacrifice and Service on April 9, 2009 is related.

The following statement is drawn from the Mental Health America website ( http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/go/codependency ) I have shortened their statement somewhat in order to focus on the title of this blog entry. Am I supportive or am I a codependent?

“Co-dependency is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. People with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided or emotionally destructive. Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to “be themselves.” They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need.”

Under the guise of support, a codependent will act and do things for another that inhibits both peoples growth. Codependence then becomes to a two way path of thwarted growth. Let me explain my thinking...

A person can experience limitations from two different origins or catalytic behaviors. Note that, independently of the origin, the limitation is almost always karmic. The two origins are:

Physical limitations such as a loss of hearing or a crippling accident.
With physical limitations there is a need to accept the limitation coupled with a willingness to not let it reduce the quality of their life.
Mental limitations such as laziness or wanting others to make their decisions.
With mental limitations there is a need to overcome the limitation through attitude, work and diligence.

Either limitation produces fertile ground for codependency.

It seems to me that the person with the karmic limitation must prevail over the limitation in order to balance the karma. A codependent relationship will only extend the karma of the one with the limitation. The other person suppresses their potential by spending time and energy on someone else, and in all likelihood creating karma. Attempting to ease the limitation of another through a codependent relationship will only extend the duration of the pain felt through the limitation. In the long run it will not relieve the pain, if anything, it will intensify it.

The answer is compassionate interaction by helping to overcome or balance the limitation. One person cannot solve another’s problem. They can help the other to clearly see it so it then can be overcome or balanced by the other. Compassion isn’t always doing something for another, it has to do with helping the other learn how to handle the situation.

Do you remember the wise saying? Teaching a person to fish rather than giving them fish solves the problem. In my thinking, that is certainly true for codependency. Codependency diverts, if not stops two peoples paths in their tracks...

What do you think?

Sam